Part II: The Conclusion of the Mysterious Leak or How I Became Human Again

"The Natural Condition of Objects" by T. Boehle oil on panel copyright 2008

What do you think it means?

What do, I, think it means?

Yes, what do, YOU, think it means?

I am not sure what you are asking?

I am asking what you think it means.  The whole thing.  (irritation)  The thing about my cat and the leak.  What do you think it means?

What do I think it means about your cat or about the leak?

No, No!  (anger)  What do you think it means about the world.  About life.  (fast speech)   About me! (loud speech)  What do you think it means.  (irritation) (pause) (visual scanning)  What do you think it means about me? (soft speech)  What is the message?  (contrite)

You are asking me, what the message is to you from your frustrating experience?

Yes.  (calm)

Pause

You believe that there is a message to you from this frustrating experience.

Well, isn’t there?  (irritation)  I mean, isn’t that what we do here.  Dissect everything until all that is left is a shred of what once was and then declare that to be what is.  Isn’t that what we do?  (biting speech) (visual scanning)  I tell you this story.  I tell it to you like it is funny. (fast speech)  It is not funny.  It is not funny at all.  (deliberate)  It is not funny.  I feel foolish.  (tearful)  This is so stupid.

What is so stupid?

This!  (angry speech)  Sitting here and telling you about this stupid on going problem only to find out that it wasn’t anything at all what I though it was.  (pause)  I feel stupid.  (soft speech) (pause)  And now I feel scared.  Scared, I guess.  I am confused.  (frustration)  I am confused.  (anger)

What are you feeling now?

I am angry.  (loud speech)  But as soon as I say I am angry, I feel sad.  (pause)  And then foolish.  (loud speech)  This is ridiculous.  It was a stupid story and you’ve made me make it into a big thing.  It just was stupid.  Just stupid!  (loud, angry speech)  I am sorry.  (exasperated)  I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

You don’t want to talk about what anymore?

About the stupid cat and peeing and the leak!  (contained angry, frustrated speech)  I don’t want to talk about it because… (pause) because… that is not what it is about.  (paced speech)  It is not about the cat and the leak, well that was weird, but it is not about that.  It is about me.  (revelation) (eye scanning)  Why couldn’t I figure it out?  I mean why was it so hard to make sense of?  (pause)  Why would it be like that?  (pause)  Why would it be like that?  (disbelief)  Why…. why would….

Why would WHAT?

Yes, exactly.  (depressed affect)  Why would WHAT?  (downward left eye scan)  Why would WHAT make it so hard?  Why?  (pleading)  Can you tell me?  I mean isn’t that what it is all about.  Isn’t it that I am suppose to figure it out and when I don’t it means there is something wrong with me.  What could be wrong with me?  Who could have figured that out?  (demanding)   I mean really.  That was freakish.  How was I suppose to know?  How could anyone know?  The plumber didn’t know.  Nobody knew.  How was I suppose to know?   How was I suppose to know?  (demanding)

It was very complicate.

Yes.  It was very complicated.  (deliberate speech)  It was incredible complicated.  And confusing.  I looked foolish.  Like an idiot.  Was it necessary for me to be so stupid?  See, here I go again.  It is not my fault.  It’s not.  (firm)  I couldn’t have known.

What does it mean, if you couldn’t have known?

What does it mean?  I don’t know what it means.  (flippant speech)  I guess I am stupid.  Is that what you are getting at, that I am stupid.  And nobody loves me.  Oh, this is so ridiculous.  (exasperated)  I am so angry now and I am saying….  I am saying things I don’t mean.  I don’t know why I said that.

You don’t know why you said what?

I don’t know why I said no one loves me.  (embarrassed)  I don’t know why I said that.  I felt betrayed when it was happening.  I couldn’t understand it.  I couldn’t understand it and then I felt betrayed.  And I guess.  Oh, this is silly.  I guess I felt unloved.  I couldn’t figure it out and no one could help me.  I was alone.  I was alone and then I felt abandoned.  What kind of a God makes it so hard and then leaves you alone?  (pleading)  I guess that is what I mean.  I must not be a very good person if God would do that to me.  I must not be worthy of even figuring out that it was my cat.  All along, it was my cat.  (resolute)  It wasn’t all the other things, even though those things were true too.  It wasn’t those truths it was a different one.  One I didn’t even know existed.  I didn’t even know it.  (depleted)

You didn’t know it.

No, how could I know it?  (disgusted)

You didn’t know it.

No.  (depressed)

What would it mean, about you, if you admitted that you may not know everything?

Of course I don’t know everything.  (anger)  That is ridiculous.  Of course I don’t know everything! No one knows everything.  (fast, angry speech) (pause)  How could I know everything?  I am only human.  (left to right eye scan) (resolution)

You are only human.

Yes, I am only human.  I can’t know everything.  (pause)  I couldn’t know that.  How could I know that?  How could anyone know?  (pleading)  The plumber didn’t know.  How could I have known?  (demanding)   I am only human.

You are only human.

Yes.  (loud, angry speech)  I have already said that.  I said it over and over.  I am only human.  I can’t know everything.  (leaning forward)  Are you satisfied?  Are you happy to hear that I don’t know everything.  (deep breath, falling back into chair, quick exhale, head shaking)

Pause

You are human.

Yes, I am human.  (resigned)

What does it mean to be human?

What does it mean to be human?  (sing song speech) (disgusted)  Let’s see, what does it mean to be human?  (head and body rocking bilaterally)  (deep breath)  What does it mean to be human?  (soft voice)  Humans don’t know everything.  They are not all knowing.

Being human means not knowing everything?

Yes.  Yes, it means you don’t know everything.  (definitive)  You can’t know everything.  It is not human to know everything.

It is not human to know everything?

Yes.

Is that what it means to be human?

Yes.  (downward left eye gaze)  Well, that and….  Well to be human means to care.  To care for others.  (calm speech)  To care for the earth.  (pause, slight right eye gaze)  For some people it means to care for plants and for others animals.  (downward right eye gaze)  And for others it means to look to the sky and imagine what could be (smile) and still others look to the horizon (increased volume in speech) and image what once might have been.  (upward right eye gaze) (pause)  It means to be a steward.  (realization)  To be human is to be curious about all possibilities and to hold those in your heart.  (slight smile with downward gaze)  I know it sounds simple.  (smile)  Sentimental even, but it is true.  (fast speech)  To be human is to be considerate of all possibilities.  (pause)  It is to be a part of something great.  (soft, slowed speech)  Something greater than yourself.  (bright affect)

To be human is to be a part of something.

Yes.  (calm)  Yes, that is right.  (enthusiastic speech)  I think that is it.  (increased speed of speech)  It is to be a part.  To play a part.  To be a part of something whole.  That is it.  (delight)   It is so cool.  Don’t you see how cool it is.  (fast speech)  It is perfect.  As humans we are A PART.  We are always A PART.  And then everything is perfect.  It is so logically.  The math…. It is math.  You know the sum of the parts make the whole.  That is when it is right.  When we are A PART.  (pause)  Oh, it is so cool.  It is so simple.  I don’t know why I didn’t see it before.  (very bright affect)

It is simple.

Yes, it is.  It is not easy, but it is simple.

And so I will ask you about something you suggested earlier when you asked, WHAT would make it so hard?

What?  (confused)

Earlier, you asked WHAT would make it so hard?   You implied that you believed your God had abandoned you.  Betrayed you even.

Oh.  (confused) (pause)  Yes.  (pause)  I don’t know why I said that.  (slight head turn to the right)  I mean I know it is not fashionable to talk about God, but I guess when it gets COMPLICATED and CONFUSING, (deliberate speech) I feel helpless.  ( eye gaze to the lower left)  Hopeless even.  (depressed affect) (pause)  I forget.  I forget that I am a part of something and I feel APART.  And when I feel APART, I feel alone.  Lonely.  (realization)  Lost, I guess and I begin to believe that I’ve been abandoned.  But that is not true,  (realization) (eye gaze to the right)  nothing is different.  Don’t you see it is all the same.  (fast speech)  It is still the same.  (increased volume, deliberate speech)  I am a part of something great and complicated and confusing.  I am a part.  (slow, loud, deliberate speech)  I have not been abandoned or betrayed.  Not at all.  I have exactly what I need to learn what I need to know.  (pause)  How could I know what I need to know?   I am a part of something greater than myself.  I can’t possibly KNOW what I need to know.  I can’t possibly know.  (revelation)  It is all so clear to me now.

Pause

Oh my God, this is just incredible.  I mean it is incredible.  How could I know until I knew?  I feel such freedom.

And what about the cat and the leak?  How does that figure into your thinking?

Yes, the cat and the leak.  (pause) (smile)  The mysterious leak.  (chuckle)  That was me and the cat and the leak solving problems.  That was me- a part of a whole.  Solving problems.  Living my life.  It is like a metaphor for the journey of life.  You can’t know everything.  Things aren’t always what they seem to be..  Rest assured, they are exactly what they need to be.

What are you feeling now?

I feel good.  I feel good now.

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