Addicted To Train Wrecks by Tami Boehle-Satterfield

"When Matter Falls Down A Black Hole, It Loses All Identity" oil painting by T. Boehle copyright 2008

I could be mad about it.

You could be mad about…?

I could be mad about it.  (fast speech) (pause)  It wasn’t suppose to happen like that. (pause)  I could be mad.  I could be really mad about it.

You could be mad. (confirming without judgement)

Yea. (pensive)  I mean, I knew this is how it would happen.  I expected it.  You know, (pause) I knew it would work out this way when I started. (realization) (insight)  I guess, I am confused.  Not confused.  I am not confused. (loud speech)  I knew it would work this way, even though they it said it wouldn’t.  (deliberate speech)  I knew it would.  And so I prepared for it, but still (searching)  I could be mad.  (deliberate, loud speech)

You could be mad.

Yes, I could be.  I have a right to be.  They didn’t know that I knew. (searching)  Still, (pause) I could be.

Are you mad?

No. (shaking head) (deep breath)  No, I am not mad. (shoulders drop) (deep breath)  I am not mad.  (shoulders shrug) (slouch in chair)  I am not mad. (rising in chair)  So why do I feel like this. (pleading)  I am not mad, but I keep thinking I could be.  It would be okay to be.  I would be reasonable.  But I am not mad.  I knew it.  I knew it would happen this way and I got what I want.  Well, mostly I did.  I mean I got what I knew I would get. (fast speech)  And that was good.  It was what I needed. (pause)  I can’t make them do the right thing. (realization)  I can’t make them do anything. (resignation)

You can’t make them do anything.

No. (sad)  And that sucks.

It sucks that you can’t make them do anything?

No, (depressed speech) it sucks that…(constricted speech) forget it.  Just forget it.

It sucks that…  Finish your thought.  It sucks that…

No, it doesn’t matter.  It is all shit. (disgusted)  It doesn’t matter. (angry, loud speech)

Sometimes it doesn’t matter.  And sometimes it does. (pause)  And sometimes we feel angry because we are afraid.

I am not afraid.  I am not afraid. (fast, loud, angry speech)  I am fucking pissed off. (tearful) (searching)  I don’t know. (irritable) (searching)  Maybe I am afraid.

What are you afraid of?

I am afraid nothing matters.  That is doesn’t matter.  That nothing matters. (fast speech, desperate) (pause)  That nothing matters. (pause)  That I don’t matter. (soft speech)

You are afraid that you don’t matter.

Yes, like I knew it would turn out this way.  I knew it.  And I was okay with it.  I mean, I accepted it.  (pause)  But then when it turned out that way and they lied.  Even though I knew they would.  And even though I got what I wanted, it still felt like rejection.  You know? (pleading)  It felt like they were saying that I didn’t matter.  That it didn’t matter to tell me the truth. (pause)  It is weird though, because I knew that.  I knew what they were up to.  And I thought about it and I decided it was still in my best interest.  You know, like you said — it was in my best interest, it was aligned with my goals, if I could take what I needed and accept that there was a possibility that it wouldn’t be what they said, but it would be what I needed.  What I wanted. (pause)  Why should I care, especially since I already knew that they couldn’t be honest, forthright with their intentions.  Why do I care? (exasperated) (pause)  Why do I care? (quiet speech)

Why do you care?

I guess because I could be mad.  I could be mad.  But then I wasn’t mad.  It is like I wasn’t sure then if I was real if I wasn’t mad. (realization)  Yea, it is like, even though I knew it was going to happen and it really didn’t matter because I knew and I had… I had, you know, planned for it.  I was prepared.  So there really wasn’t any reason to be mad, but I couldn’t let go of it.  It is like the idea of being mad kept presenting itself to me, but I knew it wasn’t worthwhile.  So then I got mad at myself. (revelation)  I got mad at myself and tried to say that I was less of a person. (realization)  I tried to hurt myself.  (slow, deliberate speech)  I made it about what a piece of shit I am when it was really the exact opposite. (revelation)  I had done the right thing and took good care of myself and then I tried to turn it into something bad. (thoughtful)

You had done the right thing.  You had taken good care of yourself.

Yes, I did. (thoughtful)

You had managed life’s obstacles and opportunities well.

I did, didn’t I?

Yes, you did.

(searching, considering, realizing)

Sometimes when we find our way out of the woods, so to speak, we circle back to the train wreck.  To that which was our life before.  We circle back around.  Noticing and observing.  Remembering.  Sometimes we dig in the rubble a bit; we might even get burned from the smoldering wreckage.  Sometimes we just aren’t yet finished.  And we can’t be finished until we are finished.  Hmm?

I guess. (considering)

Would you like to walk around it one more time?

No, I’m finished. (bright affect)  I’m finished. (smile)

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